If you’ve been a reader of the blog for some time then you probably know by now that low self-esteem is something I’ve battled since adolescence. If you’re a new reader then I’ll give you a refresher. I’ve dealt with low self-esteem since I was a child. That issue has always been closely related to how I’ve felt about my physical appearance.
Now that I think of it, I’ve pretty much always rooted my self-worth and value in the way I look and how I believed people perceived and valued me because of my appearance.
I grew up in a black conservative Christian household, and at one point in time, I almost always found myself in the husky section of the clothing stores. I was also bullied in school because of fashion choices that were not entirely my own. Once I started to “fill out” (hello puberty) the curves came, and so did a significant amount of attention. Which took my self-esteem issues to another level. Before I knew it, I was obsessing over the scale, wearing ridiculously revealing clothes, and behaving in embarrassingly unfortunate ways for attention and validation. Since having my son Josiah in November of 2017, I’ve found myself dealing with depressive episodes that stem mostly from low self-esteem.
Over the last few months, I’ve taken to therapy, and have been a lot more consistent and intentional with my prayer life and my relationship with God. Last year I took on reading the entire Bible (I made it almost all the way through), but this year my goals shifted to focus on developing an actual relationship with God. The focus is now on worship, not just reading the Bible but studying it and applying what I am learning to my life, and praying with intention. Shifting my focus and participating in therapy has changed my views on my battle with insecurity.
I now understand that it’s more than just a physical issue, it’s a spiritual one.
The word of God says that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made, marvelous are your works I know that full well” (Psalms 139:14). That scripture doesn’t apply to just our physical attributes, but the gifts and talents God has given us as well. The low self-esteem battle for me, more so over the last two years hasn’t been solely physical, it’s also been mental. I’ve been doubting my abilities, my gifts, my purpose, and God. The Bible teaches us that before God formed us in our mother’s womb he knew us and that his word does not return to Him void. It’s my belief that those scriptures can be applied to how we see ourselves. Because the way in which we see ourselves is also a representation of the way we believe God sees us. Before we were born God knew that we would be imperfect and flawed; if we had it altogether would we have a need for Christ our Lord and Savior?
If the enemy can distract us long enough to think that the issues we are dealing with are purely physical, then he can keep us from hitting the target God created us to aim for. I’ve been sidestepping and sidetracked for long enough. It’s literally gotten to the point to where I’m like “okay girl, you were created for this, everything in your life has been pointing you in this direction so it’s either put up or shut up… it’s either do what God told you to do and trust Him fully or continue self-doubting, self-sabotaging and feeling unfulfilled”.
The way we feel about ourselves can be changed with a few tweaks in our diet and an exercise regimen, but none of that matters if mentally and spiritually we aren’t aligned with what the word of God says about us. Being fearfully and wonderfully made has to resonate in a place so deep within that when thoughts of doubt creep in our mind about who we are, whose we are, and what we were created to do they don’t phase us, and even when they do we can say “God, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are marvelous” and continue doing what he told us to do.
Overcoming low self-esteem and insecurity is a process, it takes effort and rewiring the way we see ourselves. It takes understanding that the way God sees us is more important than what we or anyone else thinks. It takes understanding that self-esteem is more of a spiritual and mental issue than anything else.
One of the things I am most proud of this year is that I am intentionally and wholeheartedly putting in the work to become the best version of me in every aspect of my life. Tackling insecurity is definitely one of the most important steps for me.
As always thanks for reading!
